Today

My strongest memory of India comes as a surprise to me. It is not the terrible wounds I see everyday, nor the morning light over the rice fields, nor even the children I have come to cherish. It will be days like today, when I woke to the sound of voices outside my window and the jingling of bike bells. It was a comfortable familiarity that filled me, a glad awareness that I’m happy to be where I am and to be doing what I am doing. As I pulled on my salwar kaamez and pinned the dupatta on my shoulders, I thought back to 3 weeks ago, when I was the unhappiest I’ve been since coming to India. Mark was going back to Spain, leaving behind him the responsibility of the primary medical personnel. It was a mantle that I gladly picked up, but feeling its weight , felt unprepared and overwhelmed. At that time, the flat made me fearful, and the crowd and noise of Khardaha drove me to escape to Park Street often. With only Jessica and me, the 6 projects stretched us thin. Our days were filled with work and prep, followed by more work and prep. But through it all, I always knew that it wasn’t CRAWL that made me unhappy. It was my frustration with my living environment, and my inability to speak the language, and my anger with the poor conditions I see all around me. Perhaps that was the period of time when I fought, when my internal state of well-being was disrupted by my refusal to accept this place for what it is. In Shantaram, Karla told David, “ In India, sometimes you have to first surrender.” I think I have surrendered, allowed myself to be immersed in this incredible culture, to accept with a student’s humbleness all the teachings that India can bestow. Around me, there is so much joy and wisdom, love and faith. The people are strong and proud, friendly and devout. I’ve accepted that Kolkata will never have the quiet serenity of Thousand Oaks, nor will the flat ever have the warmth of home. But today, as I sipped hot chai from a tiny store across from the flat, and greeted the smiling gentleman who always sold me eggs, I am surprised at the ease I felt, and how glad I am to live here. And a little bit later, when I sat in the store of Sanjay and Akash, listening to the singing of a Sri Lankan guitarist, the luring melody filled me with incredible joy.

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